A hard day today. Got stuck in doors most of it. Which I noticed has affected my energy, mood and motivation to do anything. Spent most of the day on my computer and screen-time. Although, it doesn’t feel like I’ve achieved anything!
It’s so weird this lockdown. When the sun is shining outwith lockdown, I always try and get out and about, to enjoy it. Thinking (especially in Scotland) “you never know, this could be the sunniest and hottest day we are going to have this year”. But of course on lockdown, we are being told NOT to do this. NOT to go out and enjoy the sunshine. So I restrain myself to go out.
Today, I just didn’t go out. Honey the Dog got very few walks and no long walk.
This evening I started to get really really angry!
Not sure where that came from, but it was there.
I think I was annoyed with myself for not being more motivated to get outdoors. Would have been perfect to go for a run to get all the anger out, but alas I was hosting a Zoom Meeting at 6.45pm and didn’t have time.
I did however, get time to go to Easter Greens to get my bottle of Kombucha. Izzy who works there (who is Honey’s favourite) was on her day off, but Honey the Dog had a vegan treat, so she seemed happy.
I was later in my Zoom Meeting and was drinking the Kombucha when one of the participants, Colin said “I see you are drinking Kombucha there?”. I was surprised that he could read the label at the Zoom Meeting, but he explained that he had been reading my blog and knew everything about me!
Today, it feels very much like I am now in a lock-down way of life. It definitely now feels “normal”. My mind has settled into it and it no longer seems like a struggle.
So I wonder, whether it is now time to try and create a bit more structure in my life. I was thinking perhaps I could come up with a list of different life areas I could do each day. For example – time to read/self development, time to watch something on TV/iPad, time to read/answer emails, time for a walk/run, time to clean my flat, etc… Ensuring that I fill all these everyday. So, in a way, get a kind of balance in my life.
At the moment I kind of go through binge of each. One day I will spend all day watching movies. One day I will spend all day on my computer / screen time (like today). One day I will cook loads of food.
I don’t know, I come up with ideas like this at times, but never carry them out. If just feels, that my energy and mood is really stagnant at the moment.
If feels like I am ‘wasting’ my time on lock-down. When before, everyday seemed to go on forever, it seems like now the week is slipping by. I don’t want to find that when lock-down comes to an end, I think that I wasted a big chunk of it.
I don’t know if everyone else is feeling like that?
I guess, I am now in limbo, waiting for it to end.
I’ve had a bit of a brake since I wrote the first half of my blog. I’ve just re-read it and I wonder whether what I am feeling today is that something is missing? I have felt this before and have written about it as an ’empty space’, which Helen (a regular reader) suggested. I wonder, whether that is what I am feeling.
It is interesting that I immediately came up with ideas to fill the empty space – to fill my day more effectively, rather than just being with the uncomfortable feeling.
As I focus on the feeling some more, I realise I am feeling really restless at the moment.
As always, I turned to my bookshelf for some inspiration. I found a Meditation book called ‘The First & Last Freedom‘ by Osho. I opened the book at a random page and was faced with the chapter heading ‘Guidelines to Freedom’.
Wow! This is just what I was looking for last week!
Here is a quote from the book:
“Don’t look for results
The ego is result-orientated, the mind always hankers for results. The mind is never interested in the act itself, its interest is in the result. “What am I going to gain out of it?”. If the mind can manage to gain without going through any action, then it will chose the shortcut.
That’s why educated people become very cunning, because they are able to find shortcuts. If you earn money through the legal way, it may take a whole life. But if you can earn money by smuggling, by gambling…or by something else – by becoming a political leader, a prime minister, a president – then you have all the shortcuts available to you. The educated person becomes cunning. He does not become wise, he simple becomes clever. He becomes so cunning that he wants to have everything without doing anything for it.”
This quote seems to touch me in relation to where I am at with lock-down. Over the last 3 weeks, my whole existence, reality, perception of the world has been turned upside down. My whole reality of what I have seen as normal has been churned up.
The complete sense of who I am has been churned all up in such a deep way. Without any preparation or knowing it was going to happen – it just started all of a sudden.
Wow – what a journey that 3 weeks has been. I have loved the rich learning and trying to make sense of it all.
But now, it is starting to settle down again.
A bit like when you shake up dirty water in a jam jar. Its all mixed up and seems all over the place and mixed up.
But now it has settled – the mud at the bottom, the water at the top. I am missing the deep connection with myself and un-comfortableness – now it has settled down.
But I want more. I want more of this churning up inside.
As the quote says “Don’t look for results”. I am looking for results. My ego is looking for results. But it is not happening. This is making me restless and feeling uncomfortable.
As I am well aware, if you go looking for something, for something to happen, you will not find it. You need to just be still and it will return. Even, waiting and waiting, to see it again. It will not happen. You just need to be still and not look for results.
This is all so hard!
Life is hard at the moment. It’s feeling very uncomfortable.
So how did people who know Glasgow get on with the quiz from 3 days ago? Fi said it was harder than she anticipated, but came up with the results.
I don’t know Glasgow well enough to know all these places!
Did you complete it?
If you see other quizzes please share. I now have none.
Just like the shaking up of the muddy water in the jam jar. The WhatsApp Group that has been sharing the quiz’s has also settled down.
The excitement of the newness is fading and we are just getting on with it!
Thanks for reading.
Lots of love